A Journey in Love

I don’t look at love the same way as I used to.

After an encounter with a woman who loved me deeply and I couldn’t love back, I made a choice: to be willfully celibate until I found that type of connection—one where the feeling was mutual. This wasn’t about waiting for marriage but rather reaching a certain level of communication, understanding, and agreement.

There were several phases along this journey:

Phase One: The Stutter Step
I stumbled at first, slipping back in one-night stands. It was fleeting and shallow—a distraction, not a solution.

Phase Two: True Stride
Eventually, I began perceiving my relationships with close female friends differently. I started valuing their presence, understanding them as individuals rather than potential partners. I got to understand women on a totally different level. So much so that I began to be able to read the language even if not write.

Phase Three: The Forceful Phase
At one point, I thought I had “known” enough and went through a phase of being a little forceful or controlling in speech. I believed clarity and directness were the keys, but I had yet to learn the power of patience and subtlety.

Phase Four: Planting Seeds
Breaking through that, I realized you can express a desire and plant a seed, but you can’t force it to grow. Love and connection require their own time and space to flourish. I began to grasp that leading a woman does not mean being right about everything. More so in creating the space and pouring in so that she can move when she ready.

Phase Five: Intimacy Without Intercourse
I discovered how to feel intimacy without intercourse, understanding that pouring love into a woman can leave her better off if I’m not selfish about needing that love returned on my terms.

Of course, doubts crept in along the way. I took several detours, leading women to the edge only to remind myself that my celibacy was by choice, not by circumstance I’m not proud of those moments.

I spoke to God about it, as I do with everything else. And I felt His answer: “Give me seven years, and I will give you one of my daughters. Give me ten years, and I will give you any one of my daughters.” Seven years in, I broke my celibacy with a woman who was a true 20/10, and Inside a 🍑 since. Had I maintained this would be year 8 and I don't mean to sound egotistical but will the trajectory of life it wouldn't surprise me if two more years of head down tunnel vision gave me unprecedented access to women.

New levels of understanding kept coming. I started separating genuine understanding from misunderstandings and began unlearning and relearning aspects of love and connection. I went through a phase where I thought getting back into the motion meant picking up habits from those who were more promiscuous. That path didn’t serve me.

I ended up leading people on again, realizing it was far easier to get someone’s body than their mind or heart. This led to bitterness, hopelessness, brokenness, and even a villain phase. Finally, I reached a healing phase.

Now, I’m ready once more to be a soldier for love, rooted in my own values. I’m ready to make life a two-player game. The last piece I need to work out is the pre-conversations—the groundwork before we press start with confidence.

I’ve learned that embracing rejection as readily as commitment relieves the fear of things not working out. Still, I’ve also learned that many women prefer ambiguity because it frees them from accountability. While figuring this out is important, I also understand that a certain level of mystery and unknowing creates the tension and desire that love thrives on.

The real question is this: if I handed over the key to my heart—the one that unlocks my mind, soul, and body, the one that moves me to build every day in your honor—would you use it? Would you doubt the authenticity of my feelings? Would you get caught up in the noise around us? Would you be too scared if I told you I’ve narrowed the field and I want it to be you?

If you think I’m flirting, I might be. If you wonder how I really feel, ask, and you’ll get the truth. Just as quickly as I’d walk away if it’s a no, I’d also remove every other option and leave space for us to explore what is or isn’t.

At this point, I don’t know if I believe in love at first sight. But I know myself so well now that I can clearly recognize what I’m attracted to and compatible with. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve already met my wife. I just can’t call it yet. My top past picks each left with a piece of my heart, but I’m more excited to build with someone genuinely willing than with the most attractive. I’m here, ready, waiting for what’s real.